""you can always come back and visit," people have told me. ya, but it's not the same as having a home in the city that you can come home to. Visiting, whether staying in a hotel or at a friends, seems weird. Time is limited. No more waking up late, goofing around til midday, grabbing food at the diner down the street, shopping at the grocery store, coming home and watching tv. You just don't do this kind of crap when you visit. Visits are packed with dinners out, and cramming in as many friends and brunches as humanly possible. i think that's what ill miss most. The posibility that at any given weekend, you could just do nothing, and bc it was here, it would be amazing. I'm sure I'll get used to i tthough. One of my favorite things in life, after all, is watching tv in a hotel room. Just different is all, still coming to grips with it." "NG accepted the offer as presented today for the DC job. After this, a series of tests, and then I guess we can set a date. I'm freaking out just a bit. Moments where I stop myself and think, crap, this is probably the last time I'll be doing that here, or crap, I wonder how many more chances I'll get to see this view from my garden. I wonder how I'll feel when I come back to visit, and this place no longer feels like home. Damn you, Sentiment. The Canadian pointed out that I downplayed how much I hate my job in my last post. So, for the record -- I don't just hate my job, I loathe it in a way that has made me really reconsider what I want to do in life. Every morning, I dread waking up to go to work. I have to pump myself up, forcing myself to think of baby milestones that will get me through the day: if i can just get some coffee, I'll be good, ok, I'll just surf the net for the first hr at work, it won't be so bad, ok, just a few more hours until lunch, ok, half way point, just 4 more hours to go, ok get to 3pm, and you can have a diet dp, ok 45 minutes to go start shutting down. This is literally how I get through each and every day. I dread it because every day is a firedrill, every day I feel like I'm worthless, and at least once a week, I hide in this little hidden cubby hole behind my cube where nobody can see me, and cry. I don't even know why. I have never ever hated a job more. Ever. I hate everything about it -- what I do, leadership, the people in my office, the way we are treated. Like I said, I loathe my job with intensity. I've been trying to hold on until the wedding, but if we move to DC, I'm going to take the time between jobs to just get it together. This doesn't seem like a normal situation to me (work-wise). I need to figure out how to change it, so at the very least, I'm indifferent about work, rather than completely unable to tolerate it. I think part of it is, I need to find a new path in life, career-wise. Another part is, I'm probably always going to hate working in a corporate environment (or quite possibly, maybe any environment), I just need to try and find something different. Really different. Not just same job, different company, different place. With the knowledge that I am most likely moving to DC before end of year in the back of my head, work has been completely different. It's almost funny now, the way it is so ridiculous. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a positive outlook (I don't), but it's amazing how different things are when you don't feel trapped, when I know in the back of my head I could just say fuck it, I quit, truly at any given moment. I'll wait for the official contract to come through though, until I start really fucking around. Looking through old photos makes me sad to leave all over again. In my head, I can't imagine living anywhere else. But thinking of leaving my job as a perk of moving somewhere new: totally worth it. Living in another city is slowly (very slowly) starting to sink in and feel less dream-like. I'm going to do what I don't normally ever do, and focus on the good things my last months here (providing everything goes off as planned). For example, today, I caught a glance out my window on the 10th floor of my building -- one I've seen a million times, and one I rarely notice anymore. I stopped what I was doing. Pulled up the shades, and just sat there and stared. I really do have, and have had, a great view." Hello Journal that I haven't posted in for a year (maybe longer)? It's 5am, and I need a place to write. I can't sleep. My life is changing. We decided today to move to D.C. I'm mostly excited. I'm also extremely sad. If this all happens the way we want it to work, we have a little over three months left in San Francisco, one month of which we won't be here. I will be one month away from eight years. Last weekend, we were house-hunting in Protrero, talking about the next five or ten years of our life, raising kids, getting a westie, going camping. NG had just received an offer from a big company in Oakland that paid well, and more importantly, that he was excited about. We talked about our life out here, how to make it work, how we loved being here in the city together, all the things we still wanted to do. That was last weekend. Monday, NG received an offer for a govt job -- one that he had been trying to get for over a year. The one we talked about in theory, as in, "I'll only move to DC if you get your dream job." He got it. I don't know about "dream job," but in my gut, I know it's what he wants to do, and where he wants to be. But. I'm still sad. Really really sad. But that's a good thing. I've had really amazing years in San Francisco, and also, really terrible ones. My relationship with San Francisco and this area has been love/hate. This, was a good year. A great year in many ways -- we got engaged, we explored a lot, camped a lot, ate a lot (too much probably), laughed a lot. I started to love being here again when NG moved here, and that tells me a lot. Life is life, regardless of where you live. What makes it good are the people you share it with. A part of me wonders what life would be like if we scrounged our pennies together, bought the loft we had been talking about, lived out here until our kids were a little older. I'm going back and forth on this ideal -- is that lifestyle even attainable? Every way I think around it, it seems like the impossible equation. Currently, NG and I both make pretty good salaries. With his new job, he'd make more money, and we could do what everyone here does -- move out of the city, buy a house in Marin, work crazy hours and/or stressful jobs in order to pay for our awesome house in an awesome location. If our day-to-day life is anything like what it is now, we'll have nothing left for our potential future families, and nothing left for each other. Every weekend, we'll escape from the city in search of just a few hours of solitude, peace, and rest. I love this place, but I don't know how much longer I could do it, working to the bone, just to keep our head above water. In the DC area, we could afford a house on one person's salary. We could save money. We could travel more, further. We'd have our day-to-day lives back. We could be closer to family. DC is not San Francisco, but it's a new place to explore, lots of things to do. In my mind, a better quality of life for the things that both NG and I really value. Things I'll miss: The fog, in general, the perfect outdoor weather The remote, rugged beaches, that are cold as hell Landscape so beautiful, it feels as if your heart will break in two My friends. I'm really going to miss the group of people who I've shared my life with out here. I don't see them a ton on a daily basis, but its more the idea that I could call any one of them up and have a bbq or go to the park. Fortunately, I don't think that distance will do much to change my friendships with these people. Sushi and Dungeness crab Running along the embarcadero after work Tyger's Diner (in general, I will miss this neighborhood, and the people we've met, a lot) The network of discount stores I frequently shop. Divey bars that have latino karaoke, wrinkled hot dogs in a crock pot, and Hamm's beer The ability to change terrain in 3.5 hrs Yosemite. Tahoe The way it feels at night, surrounded by Victorian architecture, on a hill overlooking the bay The smell of eucalyptus Sea Ranch Hipster nights Golden gate park, dolores park, glen canyon park The way I feel when I cross the bridge back from the East Bay into SF, and the city just comes into view. It never ever ever gets old to me. Fresh organic produce delivered to our door/Farmers market Being able to get anywhere without a car California camping. It's perfect, the way I always dreamed as a kid, because yeah, i dreamed about this stuff oddly enough. Hippie grocery stores. Like hard core ones with weird shit. The idea of the West. I think somehow, I'll be back. Gimme 20 years. The person I was when I first moved here, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. Full of hope, full of dreams. I haven't been that person for a long time, but I'll always miss the part of me, the part of my life that was San Francisco. Things I won't miss: How things that are only 7 miles away, seem like forever. I've been to East Bay how many times since I've lived here? Parking, or lack thereof Not having a garage or driveway Sharing walls with other people Our house that is falling apart with no doors that are hung at 90 degree angles, and a back door that has been filed down so many times that it won't close Walking up hills after a long day at work Convenience fees for every thing Hipsters/SF Dbags that pretend to be outdoorsy and laid back but are seriously the douchiest people on the planet. Yippies (yuppie + hippies) Danny's room My job Having a top floor and bottom floor that is not connected to each other except on the outside Bay Bridge Bad cyclists Dbags with racks on their car who never use those racks Reserving crap 6 months in advance (I'm sure this is not the only place. i'm hopeful it will be different though) Our busted kitchen that has the worst layout ever People who cannot function without first checking yelp, or who can't attend a concert or anything, without immediately blogging about it, taking a photo of it, tweeting it, etc Silicone valley multimillionaire nerd mentality. Annoying and entitled. Parking 10 blocks uphill from my house. Moving the car every 2 weeks. Things I'm looking forward to: Buying a house with a basement Being close to both of our families Change in weather/seasons Proximity to NYC Being warm in the summer Chick fil A A hopefully, not-so-stressed out existence Free museums Shenandoah Exploring new places Drive-thrus Parking lots Having more than one closet Space A real garden A dog A driveway where we can finally park the airstream trailer we've been wanting buying real furniture, finally Painting or decorating a place the way I want wearing summer dresses (i have so many, i wear them once a yr, maybe) renaissance fairs. heh. pretty ghetto out in cali. Like all change, I'm not so resistant to the change itself, but more, the inability to let go of the past. I'm too sentimental for my own good, and the moment this started to become more real, I started to become really sad. It started to sink in that my life was different, and would be different. The trifecta of change: getting married, moving, new job (? or at least ending my old one and trying to determine what I really want to do). In some strange way, I've always known that I was on borrowed time here; that it was never meant to be forever. And for some strange reason, I guess I always felt the change would happen after the seven year mark. I'm going to spare the long thoughts on how I felt I've grown and changed and what I'm taking away. The truth is, I came out here on a dream, to find myself, to live in a place I've never lived, on my own. I'm leaving still searching for those same things -- still trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do, and what it all means. I'm better for doing it though. Better because of the people I've met, and experiences I've had. And if I had to sum it all up, it would be something incredibly cliche, something like, live the best life with the time you have left. Enjoy every moment as much as possible. It goes by fast. Really, really fast. What a ride -- amazing and difficult, and surprising, and heart-wrenching, and so many other things I couldn't possibly ever describe. What a fucking ride. I'm going to be forever tied to this area, and I think, no matter where life takes me, I'll somehow find my way back. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life. Holding my breath, closing my eyes, and trusting that this is right. 1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Became Pescatarian Pickled + Made jams/preserves and canned them Hiked Machu Pichu (something I never really imagined I'd ever do, so kind of surreal) Spoke nothing but Spanish for several days to communicate in Peru. Typical American, I thought English would be spoken everywhere by everyone. Wrong. Let someone go at work (awful) Attempted to take semi-professional portraits Socialized at the local Elk's club...contemplating joining Flew first class Ate guinea pig Befriended a cab driver, took a road trip on the backroads in another country. Shared a beer w/a mayor of a town Stayed in an artist's studio Had Boston clam chowder in Boston Bought a fishing license Took photobooth photos on the Santa Cruz boardwalk Won a prize at a fair (shoot the red star game -- ok, that wasn't me, but I think I should get some credit for randomly finding that place) Held a lamb Visited Bronx Zoo (checking that off the list) Went to the top of the Empire State Building (finally -- another check in the box) Took a business trip alone Watched snow fall around me while sitting in a natural hot spring Had a nutella-filled croissant Bought liquor at Meijers at 3am (or was it 4?) Had dinner at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island (another check off my list of things I've always wanted to do) Saw snow in the desert (Joshua Tree) 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Not really. Is that a surprise? 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Birth? No. Pregs? Yes. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but I think a lot about Michelle Maykin. I had been following her blog for the longest time since hearing of her through work/working on some charity/donor collateral for her. When she passed away, we received a company-wide email notifying the office of her death. The entire office went silent, save for some sniffs. I'm not usually inspired or even impressed by other people's lives, but her life/death has haunted me since. I think it's because her goals in life were so simple and so attainable -- things I take for granted every single day. 5. What countries did you visit? Peru 6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? I'd like my old jeans to fit. 7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming debt-free Canceling my cable Only socializing with people that don't annoy the shit out of me 9. What was your biggest failure? 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Other than the several times I really thought I was going to strangle someone, no. 11. What was the best thing you bought? Wide angle lens 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Idiot Co-workers/company, NARC friends, Unsentimental Mom, Fat lady in line at the SF Opera in the Park who used her baby Bjorn as a chest shield, else I would have decked her in the kisser. 14. Where did most of your money go? Weekend escapes from SF 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? See #14 16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2009? 1901- Phoenix Blame It - Jamie Foxx 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? happier, not as black and white as that, though ii. thinner or fatter? same fatty iii. richer or poorer? richer 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Wish I saw more of my family and old friends Yoga (or any form of exercise) (these were carried over from the past few years, which is kind of sad) 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Stay late for work 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Back in Houston, with family 21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Love is always an ebb and flow 23. How many one-night stands? seriously? 24. What was your favourite TV program? I don't even know. All the shows I used to like, I started detesting. I guess Mad Men or True Blood? 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Fat lady in line at the SF Opera, This lady we call "Terdy" at work. I'll leave it at that before I open up a whole new can of worms. 26. What was the best book you read? Elegance of the Hedgehog 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Phoenix, Au Revoire Simone, MGMT 28. What did you want and get? some semblance of stability and sanity 29. What did you want and not get? job fulfillment 30. What was your favourite film of this year? Up 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 32 (fuck I'm old). Actual bday = the boy made me dinner (hot wings, milkshake), and we just chilled. That following weekend we celebrated w/my sis and her bf in NYC. Great weekend. 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If people other than myself knew how to do their jobs 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Lazy and chubby 34. What kept you sane? Knowing I can find pockets of sanity w/in various friendships I have w/people 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Patrick Swayze? I don't know. He seemed like a nice guy, its too bad he died. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? Healthcare 37. Who did you miss? My family and friends. I wish we were closer geographically. I wish we had more time together. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I rekindled a friendship with someone I hadn't seen in years, but who I used to work with. It's cool that friendships can rebound like that, after so much time has passed. Gives me hope. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: 40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Another unplanned day on the road, this time, heading back North on 395 until we crossed over the Sierras, and headed back West to San Francisco. We packed up and said goodbye to camp, and the lovely Bishop Creek, then headed to the nearby town of Bishop in search of coffee and breakfast. We found Erick Schat's dutch-themed (?) bakery I recall eating at an Erick Schatt's about 6 or 7 years ago while snowboarding in nearby Mammoth. For some reason, the thing that stood out most about that experience was not the bread/baked goods, but that they had a fresh-squeezed orange juice machine. They had one here too. We loaded up on sheepherder's bread (b/c they are famous for it), and mule bread (another multi-grained combination), and purchased sandwiches from the deli for a planned picnic later on in the day. This place was crazy-busy with all sorts of tourists, many of whom were foreign. I find this kind of funny, given the fact that this place tries to evoke a European old-world, yet Americana-kitsch quality. Of all the people at Schatt's, I would guess that 90% were foreign. And many were loading up on a minimum of 5 loaves of bread each, most with at least 10 loaves in their overflowing baskets. Very strange, yet somewhat theme park-like. Good place to people watch while enjoying a cup of joe. Back on the road. Original "plans" included lunch at Devil's Postpile national monument, however, snowy conditions (even in May) meant it was closed. Instead, we detoured to June Lake. Until this point, June Lake remained a mystical place that we learned of from a group of retired ladies we met a year ago in Bearpaw High Sierra Camp. They raved about the June Lake loop hike. Now I know why. It was beautiful here. And while the water was a bit chilly, people were swimming in it. Beach was a bit rocky, but still a real sandy beach. We ate our sandwiches, played with ducks, and goofed around a bit in the water/on the rocks. After sitting in the afternoon sun, at a higher elevation, with little protection, it felt a bit like our retinas were going to burn out of our skulls. So back in the car we went. We explored the 'town' of June Lake -- tiny, quaint, one of every type shop or restuarant you could ever need. In the winter, I imagine there to be a Norman Rockwell quality about it. In the summer, or the beginning of summer/end of a holiday weekend, the town remained quiet and still, and borderline deserted. Our last "real" stop on our roadtrip was Mono Lake -- a place I had dreamed of visiting ever since first seeing photos of the moonscape-like terrain. The water is so salty, that you practically float. We didn't get the chance to try it, but next time, we plan on taking an inflatable boat out there during sunset, taking some pictures, and watching the sun set. One thing I didn't realize is the decades-long battle over the water from Mono Lake. The short of it is -- people from LA needed water, and some enterprising people built a pipe from Mono to LA, draining the lake of its resources. There are markers all along the trail to the lake indicating how high the water once was, and how quickly it took to drain the lake of hundreds of feet of water. I'm not sure where things stand now. I know people died over this fight for water. But I don't know if the issue has been totally resolved. You can read more about it here. We continued along 395, stopping for gas (and a few pictures) in Bridgeport. If you had showed me these photos prior to visiting, I would have never guessed they were taken in California. It felt so remote on the other side of the Sierras. Not long after, we crossed through the Sierras via Rte 88, one of the most stunning drives I have ever made in California. If the world ever came to an end, this seems like one of those places where you'd still be able to find people. It's still remote, and still pristine, untouched by too many people--a rarity in California. We drove by so many historical markers, camp sites, remote historic cabins for rent (we have to come back), hot springs, and ski resorts. We didn't get a chance to stop anywhere else, but we made mental notes for future trips. Not long after this trip, the governor of California announced the closing of many of the state parks. The news of that rattled me somewhat, and I uncharacteristically signed many a petition and actually became a reasonably aware voter for once. I mention this because I couldn't, and can't, imagine California without access to its parks. It's unthinkable to me. Maybe it's because I'm selfish -- I have still so much I have left to see -- but the other part of me kept thinking -- what if I never get the chance to swim in Mono Lake at sunset? SEE Mono Lake: 13 miles east of Yosemite National Park and east of the Sierras, just off US 395 between Lee Vining and Bridgeport. SLEEP June Lake Campground: ($17/night. Flush toilets. Off 395, follow signs to June Lake on 158. There are several campgrounds around the lake, and if you are making the June Lake Loop hike. When you first spot the lake, there are several campgrounds nearby the beach -- these are not recommended due to the fact that there are no trees, and a blazing hot sun. If you keep driving, you'll pass several campgrounds and RV parks. June Lake Campground has several somewhat closely spaced sites, many of which have individual private boat ramps.) EAT Erick Schat's: (763 N. Main Street, Bishop California. $5-$10. The pastries were ok, but the deli was amazing. Do as the Europeans you will encounter do: buy several loaves of their zillions of types of bread, and make a picnic of it.) www.brownbagtravel.wordpress.com |
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